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The Glass

The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The engineer who built the glass says that sometimes the glass is used to hold more water, so it's actually sized correctly and the first engineer was jumping to conclusions without researching the full set of requirements.

The tiny person inside the glass says "Help! I'm drowning in a giant glass of water!".

The pedant says that the glass probably isn't exactly at 50% capacity, and that based on her snap judgment, she could only justify saying that the glass is somewhere between 45% and 55% capacity.

The poisoner says that the optimist and pessimist are confused about who's who.

The stereotypical philosopher proves that the glass isn't real.

The opportunist drinks the water while everyone else is bickering. He soon feels sick, and wishes that he had taken the opportunity to learn about the poisoner earlier.

The tiny person is relieved to no longer be drowning, but is now navigating the opportunist's insides. She finds an escape from his digestive system, and works her way up to his brain, where she informs him of the poison and offers to make some antidote. In exchange, he agrees to a power-sharing agreement with her over the use of his limbs. They begin a new life fighting crime together.

The poisoner brings out another glass, filled to the midpoint.

The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

...

The programmer rubs her eyes and realizes that she accidentally wrote an infinite loop. She takes her completely-full glass of lukewarm coffee, sighs when some of it sloshes over the brim, and gulps down exactly half of it.